Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
