hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
