Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
