I just threw up on my dentist
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
