I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
