i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
