Ambien. No doubt about it.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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