While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
