i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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