i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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