The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
