When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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