There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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