any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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