I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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