Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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