The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
this is an emotional support booty call
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
