So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
