My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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