matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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