you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
