I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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