So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
