the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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