I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
