I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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