She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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