on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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