I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
