He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
