I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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