I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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