I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
