the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
