I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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