you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
