I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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