The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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