Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
