No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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