We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
