Someone shit on the floor
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
