I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
