I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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