Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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