i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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