Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
