I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
