Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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