his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you had me at cake vodka
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
