My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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