after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
