pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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