The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
