my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
