Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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